Best Letter Ever Written to A Bank Manager

This is an actual letter written to bank manager by an old lady who got her check bounced by the bank due to lack of funds. it was first published in the New York Times in 2006.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

letter to bank manager

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

14 thoughts on “Best Letter Ever Written to A Bank Manager”

  1. That was fantastic, this is the type of thing I wish I could say to someone in person. Plus I feel for the person, as I have had payments bounce over a matter of pennies. Although they have no problem putting your account into the red so they can take their fees.

  2. HA! After all my dealings with the anonymous recording that I always end up yelling at this week I hear this lady’s pain! It’s kind of like Verizon… I spend five hours on the phone with them only for them to tell me that I am under a contract I never signed!

    I just wish we could talk to real people and not machines!

    Jamies last blog post..Editing is WOW!

  3. This might have become A very special letter for the Manager in his entire career.

    When the manager retires, he would definitely vouch upon this

  4. Go, Sarcastic Granny, Go!

    I have often toyed with the idea of creating a “soundboard” (flash-based program that would have pre-recorded responses so I could call up the bank and prank the people working there…

    o, the possibilities…

  5. My brother once received a call on his mobile (cell phone) from a call centre who wanted to do a survey. He told them that would be fine, but that he was doing a survey himself of everyone who called him, and would they mind if he put them on hold for a moment while he grabbed the questions. He put them on hold, then speakerphone, so that he could here them but they couldn’t hear him. He then looked at his watch, and proceeded to listen to the guy on the other end chat to his colleagues whilst counting how long it would take the guy to hang up. He ended up listening to the chap for nearly 20 minutes!

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